The six rules
1. Get attention first, then speak.
Say their name. Wait until they've turned or paused. An instruction given to someone who isn't listening yet has been wasted, and repeating it louder doesn't fix that.
2. One step. Not three.
"Get your book out." Wait. Then the next one.
A three-part instruction usually arrives as one part, and it won't be the part you cared about.
3. Say what to do, not what to stop.
"Walking feet." "Chair legs down." "Book open at page 12."
Not "stop running", "don't do that", "how many times?"
4. Say it literally.
"Put your coat on the peg" — not "shall we sort your coat out?", not "is that where your coat lives?", not "I'd love it if someone tidied up."
If it isn't optional, don't phrase it as a question. If it is optional, mean it.
5. Then stop talking. Count to ten.
Processing takes longer than you think. Silence looks like nothing is happening — it isn't. Rephrasing into that gap resets the whole thing and they start again from zero.
6. Write it down or show it.
Anything the child has to hold in their head is at risk. A word on a whiteboard, a checklist, a photo of what finished looks like, a pointed finger.
When there's no response
- Check they heard. Not the same as ignoring you.
- Check they understood. "Tell me what you're doing first" beats "do you understand?", which nearly always gets a yes.
- Check the demand isn't the problem. If starting is the barrier, make the first step tiny — "just write the title" — or start it with them for sixty seconds.
- Check the state they're in. A dysregulated child cannot process instructions. Reduce demand and come back.
If they've stopped speaking
Don't press for an answer. Losing speech under stress is real and common.
Offer another route: nod or shake, point, thumbs up or down, write it, choose from two options, or a card. Then wait.
Never require a child to apologise, explain themselves or answer a question while they're shut down. You're asking for something they don't currently have.
Phrases that help
- "When you're ready."
- "Take your time."
- "First ______, then ______."
- "I'm going to give you a minute."
- "I'm here. You don't have to talk."
- "You're not in trouble."
Phrases to drop
- "I've already told you."
- "Are you listening?"
- "How many times do I have to say it?"
- "Everyone else has started."
- "You did it fine yesterday."
- "Just get on with it."
Three things that are easy to get wrong
Fidgeting and movement are usually helping. Removing them doesn't buy you attention.
Inconsistency is the condition, not evidence against it. Managing on Tuesday and not on Thursday is normal and isn't a choice.
Praise it specifically. "You started within a minute" lands. "Good work" doesn't, especially with a child who's stopped believing it.
Please keep this visible. If you're covering and there's a pupil passport, read that too.